Uncle Simon
The phone rings. Simon answers. The voice on the line says, “This is Max, I want to talk with my uncle Simon.” Simon answers, “This is Simon.” Max continues, “I have to be sure I am talking to my uncle Simon. It’s very important. Are you sure you are my uncle Simon?” Simon replies, “What can I say? My mother knows that I am Simon; My father knows that I am Simon; My wife knows that I am Simon; My children know that I am Simon; I know I’m Simon. I assure you, I am your uncle Simon! Max says, “OK, OK, I believe you. Uncle Simon, this is your cousin Max and I want to borrow $100.” Looooooooong Pauuuuuuse. Simon replies: “OK, I’ll tell him you called.” Click.
Shoe Repair
A man who lives in Brooklyn, New York takes his shoes to a repair shop to have new soles put on. He forgets about the shoes and moves to Pennsylvania. Ten years later he finds the shoe repair shop ticket for his shoes in his dresser drawer. He is planning to visit old friends in Brooklyn anyway, so he thinks, why not take the ticket with him and go by the shop to see if by some miracle his shoes are still there. He wondered if even the shop was still there, but he thought he would find out.
Back in Brooklyn, he walks to the location of the shoe repair shop and finds it is still there and is still doing business. He goes in, and up to the counter, and presents the ten year old ticket for his shoes. The clerk tells him that the ticket is too old. The man says, “Just check to see if they are there.” So the clerk goes to the back of the store into the storage area. After a long while he comes back, and says, “Are yours the black leather laced shoes with thick soles?”
The man says, “Why YES! Bring them out. The clerk goes back again and brings them out to the counter. The man says, “Great! I’ll take them, how much are they? The clerk says, “NO! They won’t be ready till next Thursday.”
Whose Fault Is It?
A woman began to wonder if her little boy was really hers because he didn’t look like her or her husband as he was growing up. So she arranged to have a DNA test done on the boy and she found out that he wasn’t related to either of them.
Then she carefully approached her husband and told him the news. He said, “Well it’s your fault.” She replied, “What do you mean? How in the world is this my fault?” He explained: “You remember when you gave birth to our little boy in the hospital. Just before we left the hospital, you noticed that his diaper was soiled, and you told me to change the baby. So that’s what I did, I changed the baby.
My, How You’ve Changed!
A sixty year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. On the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 34 years, 3 months, and 10 days to live.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth. Since she had so much more time, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. Walking out of the hospital, she crossed a street and was hit and killed by an ambulance.
When she appeared before God, she was upset and asked him, “Why did you let me die. I thought you said I had another 34 years to live? God replied, “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t recognize you”.
Covid19 Humor
1. June 1, 2053 is a big, big day for Willard, because that’s the day he opens the last roll of toilet paper that his parents bought in 2020.
2. Stay-at-home monthly budget: Travel $0, Household Shopping $0, Gas $0, Clothes $0, Entertainment $0, Grocery bill $2,265 a week.
3. Not to brag, but I haven’t been late for anything in six weeks.
4. Okay, the schools are closed. So do we drop the kids off at the teachers’ house?
5. Day 15 of homeschooling: I’m trying to figure out how to get this kid transferred out of my class.
6. Why did I ever spend money on that 2020 planner?